Morning in Berlin

I’ve been working on this story recently, sort of like After Hours. This guy- or maybe not a guy- has a night filled with confrontations, connections, and acid-fueled revelations. And figures himself out. But I don’t have that, so what can I build from? I’ve had one true afterhours experience before- but this was in Berlin, where there really are no after hours.

A friend and I got turned away from Berghain, and were forced to search elsewhere. We met a drug dealer outside the club who, after some mercantile relations, recommended a different club at the outskirts of town. With no better prospects, we headed to the subway and began our way over.

We waited a while for the subway, waited a while once we were on it, and walked a while after we got off. Eventually, of course, we made it. It existed after all. We shuffled along for another hour in line and finally got the opportunity to cough up 30 euros for entry. But we made it.

It was like Wonderland. Everything I thought to be true had turned on its head. There was a pirates’ cove next to a tea shop next to a pizzeria next to a club. And that club held within it a warehouse, a Japanese town, and many bars.

We had to pull ourselves away eventually, of course. Early for Berlin, we left while it was still night. It was an hour on the bus back to our hostel, I remember nodding off and being prodded awake by my friend more than a few times. Thank God she was there.

We finally got to our stop and lumbered over to the hostel. As we turned into its courtyard, I saw some orange in the sky and realized that the Sun had begun to rise.

One Night - Excerpt

“I guess it was about a week ago now, that day when it was like 80-something degrees. I’m sure you remember. It had been so dreary and cold for so long before then, and we were both off work that day. We knew we had to take advantage of the opportunity. So we bought a bottle of wine from a corner store and took the bus out to Golden Gate Park, towards the west end where it’s a bit less manicured. We went in there and spent God knows how long navigating path after path- I don’t know if Salem knew where we were going, but I sure as hell didn’t. Eventually we came out onto a little meadow in the trees. It was so tranquil, I almost forgot we were still in the city. Just us, the flowers, and the birds. They were good company.

“We spent hours drinking, feeling the sun on our faces. Just enjoying each other’s company, you know? I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so, just, at ease in another person’s presence. Like there were no expectations.

“She brought her camera with her. Every once in a while she would take it out of its case, prepare a shot, and… nothing. Each time she took long and careful minutes to set just the right aperture and shutter speed, and to frame the subject in just the right angle. She would put her eye on the viewfinder and her finger on the shutter, hold for a moment, and put the camera down. Crows and rabbits, blossoming flowers and lines of little marching ants- all of them were apparently missing something. Each time she would just come back and continue the conversation like nothing had happened.

“After the fifth or sixth time this happened, I asked her about it:

‘No?’

“She smiled and shook her head. ‘No. Not quite right.’ She looked down at the grass and ran her hands through it, as if trying to verify that it was really there. Without lifting her eyes, she said, ‘I didn’t find what I was looking for.’

‘Oh?’ I waited for her to continue. When she didn’t, I asked, ‘What are you looking for?’

“She twirled a blade of grass around her fingers as she thought. After a long moment, she said, ‘It’s hard to put into words.’ She lifted her eyes from the grass and looked at me. ‘It’s like… a flicker. Sometimes when I see the way sunlight falls across a leaf, or a look in someone’s face, there’s… something else. Something unguarded, you know? It’s like there’s this… this truth in everything that’s just waiting… waiting to come to the surface and… and fucking assert itself. That’s what I want to get. Anything else just isn’t worth it.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Does that make sense?’

“It seemed like she was asking herself as much as me.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Yeah, it really does.’

“We sat there for a long time, neither of us saying anything. Eventually, I broke the silence.

‘I feel like people are always hiding some kind of truth. Even when you’re not trying to, when you don’t want to, you’re kind of always avoiding something. There’s always something you don’t want to admit to, right? Some part of yourself that you’d rather keep separate.’

“I don’t know why I said that. I looked at her and she looked back and… it was like something passed between us. Or, I don’t know, I just… I was scared of what I saw in her eyes.

“She said, ‘Yeah, I- yeah. Listen, Jude, can- can I take your picture?’

‘Um-’ I suddenly felt very aware of myself. I was flattered, but there was something else. ‘Yeah, ok. Sure.’

“She smiled and got to work. She stood there, setting the aperture and shutter speed, finding just the right angle. Just like with the birds and flowers. I waited. I straightened my shirt and played with the grass. I felt something gnawing at me, telling me to get far away from there.

“After a few minutes, she was ready to take the picture.

‘Ok, hold still,’ she said. ‘Just like that.’

“She put her eye behind her camera’s viewfinder. Her breathing slowed and her hands steadied. Her finger lowered towards the camera’s shutter.

‘You look pretty, Jude.’

“I felt the blood rush to my face.

‘W- wait, I-,’ I stuttered. I don’t know when the last time I stuttered like that was. ‘I don’t think… Sorry, can we do this another time? I feel kind of- sorry.’

“She put the camera down. I knew I wasn’t making any sense, but I didn’t know what else to say. I could see concern on her face, and… I could see hurt there too.

‘Um, yeah, it’s ok. Of course, Jude. It’s no problem, the lighting was a little off anyways.’

“That was the last thing either of us said for a long time. I- I don’t really remember much of the rest of that afternoon. I tried to act normal, but whatever we said just sort of passed over me. All I could think about was what passed between us before that picture. What she might’ve seen.

“We left not long after that. I ordered her an Uber and walked home. I made up some excuse about meeting a friend so I wouldn’t have to ride back with her.

“Fucking stupid."

7/24/26

This is it.

I’m back at the Barcelona airport. I thought about trying to find the spot where I waited last time but I’m tired of carrying my things around.

I’m much less tired than I thought I would be by now. I’ve lost a little weight, gained a little acne, and have a bit less money than I’d like, but otherwise I feel fine. Maybe I’ll crash later.

It’s weird. This doesn’t quite feel like an ending. The adventure is just continuing in a different place. Maybe that’s all life is. Maybe there are no endings.

I witnessed something just a few minutes ago that made me quite emotional. I was sitting at a café in the terminal, just outside arrivals. I had to leave the gate to check in for my next flight. Anyways. I was reading and enjoying a mediocre cortado when a woman and her kids came out of arrivals. The dad was waiting to pick them up and he was standing close to where I sat. Well there was this toddler, and as soon as he saw the dad he screamed and ran right into his arms. As the dad hugged him and lifted him into the air, the kid started sobbing. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone so happy.

I truly did have the most incredible time this past month. It was greater than I ever thought it could be. I hope I can carry this with me.

I don’t think I’ll write another update when I get home tonight. Maybe I’ll come back and write a brief epilogue in a few days once I’ve had some time to rest and reflect. But for now at least, this seems like a good place to leave off.

The Path

I had a wonderful experience last night. My plans got cancelled so I decided to go out out to pick up edibles. And after I got them, I just stayed out. I walked for a while and found myself pretty far up the Somerville community path. Then I biked for a long time- past Davis Square, past Alewife, through Arlington. At some point the path lost its lights and its people and became enveloped in woodlands. It was quite ethereal. And eventually I found myself in Watertown. I took the bus back after that.