8/11/24

I’m back at Jamaica Pond. Last time I was here was grad week. Barely more than 3 months ago, but it seems much longer. I was very moved by the place. I decided that I wanted to come back here to have my first shroom trip, and to leave the rock here. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned the rock- when I was in Germany last year (already a year ago?) I found this rock in front of a church in Munich. I don’t know why, but I was very moved by it. So I took it with me back to Boston. I felt guilty for removing it from its home, so I figured I had two options. Bring it back to Munich, or give it a proper send-off here. Which is where this idea to leave it by the pond comes in. I’m not on shrooms, but I decided to take a few edibles and bring it here anyways.

I left the rock between two stones, just past a small clearing by the water on the south side of the pond. I think that the rock may represent her, at least on some subconcious level of my mind. I have to let it go and resist the urge to go back to it.

I had a troubling thought. I don’t know what would be worse- if N and I had something wholly unique and special, or if I’ll be able to find that feeling in someone else. Because if I can love someone else that strongly, then what even is love? It seems to lose all validity.

I fell asleep on the subway home last night. For at least 15 minutes I think. This breakup is starting to get to me.

9/14/24

I had a wonderful experience last night. My plans got cancelled so I decided to go out out to pick up edibles. And after I got them, I just stayed out. I walked for a while and found myself pretty far up the Somerville community path. Then I biked for a long time- past Davis Square, past Alewife, through Arlington. At some point the path lost its lights and its people and became enveloped in woodlands. It was quite ethereal. And eventually I found myself in Watertown. I took the bus back after that.

10/7/24

I’ve been a mess recently. It all started because of a dream I had a few days ago. Maybe a week ago. I can’t recall the details, but in it we got back together. I woke up and it felt like I was drowning. I needed her back. I felt it deep in my soul. But reality rarely concerns itself with dreams.

I’ve been helpless since then. That dream- the one which churned in my slumbering mind and which we shared for those fleeting months- has eaten away at me like a sickness. It filled my heart with rot and left me bereft of all meaning.

I need to find meaning somewhere in this life. If I don’t, I am sure that I will die. Not any time soon, perhaps not for years. I can gather enough will from my love for my friends and family, from my pride, from the moments of joy in everyday life. But these things can only keep you going for so long. These burdens only grow and you need a reason to carry them. I don’t know what that reason is, though. I have no idea.

1/25/25

I think that by nature humans are not very hedonistic. It’s interesting. It can be so pleasurable to indulge in the physical. Sex and drugs and alcohol. Food, even. But it’s all ephemeral. I don’t think it’s possible to sustain these pleasures forever. So what’s left? The spiritual. The heart. Love!

I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what I want. I want to smoke and drink but that’s just what my body wants. What do I want? I want to be with her. What else? What else… I want to be a good friend. I want to love. I want to feel the Sun on my face. I don’t know what else.

1/27/26

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I need to cry but part of me won't let the tears come out.

I need so badly for things to change. I need to finish classes and get out of Boston. I need to leave Boston. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

2/16/25

And now, quite paradoxically, I find myself wanting to stay in this moment. Despite everything, I don’t want summer to come. I don’t want things to change. When summer comes, I leave Boston and A, and I say goodbye to N for the last time.

I need to leave Boston but I desperately don’t want to. I wish that summer was longer.

4/2/25

I had a strange dream last night. I was a monkey, living in the trees with a whole colony of other monkeys. All of the other monkeys squabbled in pairs all day, while I kind of did my own thing. Then night came, and all the pairs that were squabbling before hugged and made up. And I was still on my own.

5/7/25

Things seem so much more possible at night sometimes. I let myself hope for things that I wouldn’t dare consider in the light of day.

5/18/25

I texted N yesterday to tell her that we shouldn’t see each other this summer. It hurt very very much but I know that it’s the right decision. I realized I still held some love for her. I truly can’t bring myself to be her friend right now.

It’s crazy because I do want to see her so badly, you know? But I know that absolutely nothing good could come of it. Maybe one day.

Opened a bottle of wine, it’s gonna be that kind of night. N still hasn’t responded. I think she will but I’m not certain. I am pitifully desperate for her attention. I hate this about myself but the feeling is intoxicating. Why am I so? Why do I still care? It’s been so long we may as well be strangers. But I know that’s not true. It would be like that night in January all over again. It didn’t feel like we picked up where we left off, then. It felt more like we met again for the first time. So many of those quirks of hers that faded from my memory. Her weird nose, her stupidly wonderful sense of humor, the way her words would effortlessly captivate me and hold me hostage. All those little, lovely things. And more subtleties which I’m sure escape me now. How could it not be so? How could the smallest remaining ember of love not roar to life, flame and passion returning, eternally returning, fanned to life by her presence? I’m not certain that I could ever know her without falling in love all over again.

I’m so much more honest at night and when I drink red wine.

6/3/25

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately. Trying to figure out what to do next. To figure out how to get back to Eden, to figure out if that’s even something I need.

I’ve been feeling distinctly un-myself lately. I’m very afraid that the right-now-me is intrinsically bound up in this life I have in Boston. I’m afraid that once I leave, this me will fade and will be replaced by someone else. I don’t think the fear is entirely unfounded. I wouldn’t be surprised if this move was the impetus of great change in myself and in my life. I would honestly be surprised if it wasn’t. But through it all, I will still be me.

6/24/25

I made it to Europe! Which means I made it out of Boston. It has been a strange couple weeks. I wasn’t nearly as eager to leave as I used to be.

7/1/25

Porto has been lovely but fraught with perils! I lost one of the postcards I got in Lisbon and it was my favorite one. Quite sad but I’m glad I got to experience it at all. I’m also running dangerously low on edibles after hanging out with T all weekend… 5 left. I’ve decided to ration them and only take half at a time.

7/5/25

I think that this trip might make a smoker out of me haha. There’s just sooo many people around smoking all the time! And it’s a good way to unwind after a long day of travelling alone.

7/8/25

I’ve been feeling strange lately. I’m starting to notice a lot of superficial aspects of my personhood fall away. It’s almost a state of extended meditation. I can’t get high every day, I don’t speak to my friends as much, I’m out of my usual routine. With each passing day I get a greater sense of who I am without my usual environment. A more abstract sense of self.

I haven’t spent a full night somewhere in days- not since Modena. Shit. That feels like a lifetime ago. You’d think I’d be tired but I’m really not. It’s hard to articulate the feeling that’s keeping me awake. I’m thrilled and awestruck and my brain feels all jumbled up.

7/10/25

I’ve taken my last edible hehe. I’m pretty sure I have an in in Prague which is only a few days away.

It feels so weird to think back to my final days in Boston. Even other parts of this trip feel like a lifetime ago- those days in Boston feel like they were lived by a different person. The train to Bratislava has me feeling very contemplative haha.

7/13/25

I will say that I’m beginning to get quite travel weary. I’m getting tired of staying in hostels- the snoring, people coming and going, dirty showers, etc.

Of course I’m also somewhat physically fatigued but not as much as I might have expected. What’s really getting to me is the mental and emotional exhaustion. I’m tired of making so many decisions and having to be alert all the time. I also terribly miss my friends. Because of the physical distance, but more so because of the temporal one. There’s only a few hours of the day when we’re both awake and active.

7/17/25

I just realized that today marks the end of the solo portion of my journey. I meet T and M in Berlin tomorrow and my time in Barcelona afterwards will be so brief it’s more of an epilogue than anything. I can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since I said goodbye to C in Porto. Should it be more or less? So much has happened since. Lifetimes upon lifetimes.

I had a very reflective moment in the monastery garden, overlooking the city. For some reason I decided to listen to the playlist I made during my breakup with N and it made me consider just how much I’ve changed since then. It must be close to a year ago now. What a year it’s been.

7/22/25

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow’s my last day here. While this trip certainly did not go by fast, while I was in the midst of it it somehow felt eternal. Interminable. It had neither a beginning nor an end, it simply was. I’m beginning to come out of that mindset, maybe because the impending exit from this little chapter is becoming more real or maybe because I’m ready for it. Probably both.

I ate lunch in this plaza and saw someone with a notebook quite similar to this one- same brand but hers had a red binding instead of tan. I wonder what she’s written in hers.

7/24/25

This is it.

I’m back at the Barcelona airport. I thought about trying to find the spot where I waited last time but I’m tired of carrying my things around.

I’m much less tired than I thought I would be by now. I’ve lost a little weight, gained a little acne, and have a bit less money than I’d like, but otherwise I feel fine. Maybe I’ll crash later.

It’s weird. This doesn’t quite feel like an ending. The adventure is just continuing in a different place. Maybe that’s all life is. Maybe there are no endings.

I witnessed something just a few minutes ago that made me quite emotional. I was sitting at a café in the terminal, just outside arrivals. I had to leave the gate to check in for my next flight. Anyways. I was reading and enjoying a mediocre cortado when a woman and her kids came out of arrivals. The dad was waiting to pick them up and he was standing close to where I sat. Well there was this toddler, and as soon as he saw the dad he screamed and ran right into his arms. As the dad hugged him and lifted him into the air, the kid started sobbing. I can’t remember the last time I saw someone so happy.

I truly did have the most incredible time this past month. It was greater than I ever thought it could be. I hope I can carry this with me.

I don’t think I’ll write another update when I get home tonight. Maybe I’ll come back and write a brief epilogue in a few days once I’ve had some time to rest and reflect. But for now at least, this seems like a good place to leave off.

Fare well :)

-E